


-ᵞᴼᵁ ᴰᴼᴺ’ᵀ ᴺᴱᴱᴰ ᵀᴼ ᴰᴼ ᵀᴴᴵˢ.-                                                     𝕹𝖔. 𝕴 𝖉𝖔.

by BlueHornet



Series: ∫ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ ʷᵉᵉᵖˢ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳˢ ʰᵉ ᵒⁿᶜᵉ ʰᵃᵈ ʷⁱⁿᵍˢ ∫ @ForlornPast [3]
Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:20:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23079250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueHornet/pseuds/BlueHornet
Series: ∫ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ ʷᵉᵉᵖˢ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳˢ ʰᵉ ᵒⁿᶜᵉ ʰᵃᵈ ʷⁱⁿᵍˢ ∫ @ForlornPast [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632352
Kudos: 1





	1. 𝐖𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐌𝐞 𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫 '𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫.

__ His knuckles are still bloody from smashing the mirror and the destroyed tv in the hotel room, the hunter too stubborn in trying to hold the demon back and enjoying the pain right now. Guess it made him feel human again. Even if he was still stuck with this accursed thing. Though he had to ignore how often it felt like he was the one doing all of it, just as the demon said, they were seeming more and more alike by the day.

__ Ever since leaving the hotel in ruins and a note left behind for Sam, who Dean was sure would reach the room before room service cleaned it, if he hadn’t gotten there already. It had been a tough decision to leave his baby behind, but the Impala didn’t deserve to be brought along in his downfall, and he isn't letting the demon leave it in a mess again. Better to be left for Sam to continue the hunting life, or whatever he decided to do with his life.

__ There hadn’t been any good car choices to hot-wire in the small town he had left his car at, so he had ended up walking to the next, stuck with the fresh memories brought up and the demon side of him nagging to take over and heal his knuckles. To the point that, when a man driving by had slowed down and called out the window if he wanted a lift, he had been too distracted and allowed the demon the slip it needed to appear to greet the man with his black eyes.

__ By the time Dean had been allowed back, the car was long gone, a muttered curse escaping the hunter as he rubbed at healed knuckles before ducking his head again, determined to continue his walk without freaking anyone else out.

❖ ❖ ❖

_ The arms are tight around him as the demon struggles against the newly discovered restraints, eyes glaring at the person before him before he hears the angel murmur. “It’s over Dean.” _

_ Even though he soon realises it’s a losing battle, he tries to break free from the arms holding him tight, an annoyed growl escaping him before a strike to his head knocks the demon down. _

❖ ❖ ❖

__ He all but sprawls onto the bed as soon as he unlocks the motel room and steps inside, tired as a hand runs through his hand with a faint groan once he rolls onto his back. A long walk, but the constant teasings of the demon at the back of his mind had pushed his endurance to the limit, leaving Dean exhausted. 

__ Bonus was; he isn't anywhere near Sam and Cas, and now they had no way to track him now there was no Impala to look out for. Thanks to the sigils Cas had carved on his ribs as he had done for Sam, it was hard if not impossible for even angels to track him. They were safe.

_ ‘  _ **_Or are they really?_ ** _ ‘ _

❖ ❖ ❖

_ The clone of him is still sprawled back against the wall and cupboard, the hunter relaxing slightly when there was no signs of life from them. He’s taking a step forward however out of habit to check they are in fact dead when the other him opens his eyes, pure black trapping and holding his gaze as they lunge forward. _

_ He wakes with a start, eyes wide as the fog clears from his sight to reveal Sam and Cas standing before him, seemingly startled themselves as the older Winchester shakes his head, swallowing around a suddenly dry throat as he frowns, blinking at them. “You looked worried fellas.” _

_ As the holy water splashes on his face, he blinks before the realisation of the pentagram and the restraints catch up to him, startled as he looks back up to Sam as his brother speaks. “Welcome back Dean.” _

_ He looks to Cas, the same expression of relief that’s on Sam’s face also seen on the angel’s before Dean’s glancing down with a frown.  _

_ Apparently, a demon had been chased out but...something wasn't right. _

_ ‘  _ **_How wrong they had been to think I wouldn’t come back._ ** _ ‘ _

[Bury A Friend](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV3IlZKzl_I)


	2. 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐚𝐢𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐌𝐞 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐲.

_ Dean always had a bit of a bad habit of starting fights in bars, whether he was drunk or not. Seemed to have been a common thing for the demon as well, with the amount of fights Dean had started remembering the time he’d spent possessed. But in the end, it was something Dean enjoyed, especially if it was a better way to release the anger and aggression the mark brought out of him instead of keeping it in until someone died. _

_ Of course, Sam always questioned his choice of starting or joining in on bar fights, but in the end, leaving someone bloodied and bruised was better than killing. Though it still never weighed well on his shoulders unless it had been in defence of someone.  _

_ He returns to the hotel room Sam and him have stopped in while working a case, glad to find the room empty as he moves to the bathroom to splash water over his face, sighing as he raises his head. ‘  _ **_Or maybe you enjoy hurting people too much._ ** _ ‘ _

_ The hunter starts as his eyes meet in the reflection, but his own green are swallowed in blackness. But as he blinks, his eyes once again are their normal colour, the older Winchester standing there by the sink for a moment longer in shock before the sound of the door opening as Sam returns quickly forces him to regain his composure. _

_ Surely, the treatment had worked..? _

❖ ❖ ❖

He’s stirring as the loud tone of his ringtone sounds in the hotel room, Dean blinking as he raises his head from the floor to glance around. After a couple of moments, he manages to push himself up onto his knees, reaching for the phone but it has already sent the person to voicemail, the older Winchester wincing as he hears Sam’s voice. “Dean please, call me. Don’t do this.”

❖ ❖ ❖

_So much blood. He’s used to it in his line of work, but never so much as has been shed by him till now._

_ “You don’t have to do this..” The kids shaking as the demon raises the gun to press the side of it to his forehead, allowing the person the chance to believe he might have gotten through to the human side of him, to that Dean he still believes is there.  _

_ But the hope is wasted as he raises his gaze to meet his once again, barrel soon levelling to aim after he murmured. “No, I do.” _

Bang.

_ No one seems safe around him for long. ‘ _ **_No one ever is._ ** _ ‘ _

❖ ❖ ❖

Sam’s stubborn in his calls, but Dean doesn’t have it in himself to throw the phone away, despite his determination to not get either him or Cas in anymore danger. Eventually, he gives in and calls Sam after Sam leaves another voicemail, not giving his brother much of a chance to answer before he speaks. “I gave it a shot Sammy,”

He’s biting his lip with a small wince, doing his best not to end their talk with the harsher ways of goodbyes. If he was saying goodbye, it was going to be done his way, not the demon’s. Even as he’s debating what to say next, Sam quickly responds. “Listen to me, whatever you’re doing, whatever you’ve done. Please..”

“I gave everything I had to beat this thing down.” There’s silence between the two as Dean sighs, glancing down to the uncovered Mark before shaking his head. “Brother, I’m done.”

“No, you’re not. Dean..~”

He’s biting his lip, eyes closing as he quickly cuts his younger brother off, hoping Sam would understand how much he needs for him to listen. How much he needs for him and everyone else to be safe. “Grab a pen, it’s time to say goodbye.”

❖ ❖ ❖

Perhaps it isn’t the best to meet with them in person, but Dean needed to see that Sam was listening, even if he knew he wouldn’t obey. It was easier this way.

All the same, he was prepared for a trap, just in case they took this chance to try and keep him from hiding. They wouldn’t see it the same way he did, perhaps they didn’t believe he could hold it back, but he would.  _ ‘  _ **_Or you can try. But you’re only holding yourself back in the end.._ ** _ ‘ _

It’s hard seeing Sam, the light from the street lamp clearly showing the desperation he’s trying to hold back as he and Cas try to talk him out of his plan. But they should know he’s too stubborn, and this time for good reasons. Shaking his head, he takes a step closer to his brother, hand resting on his shoulder briefly. 

“I’m willing to live with this thing forever, as long as I and it will never hurt another living thing.” He allows his eyes to be swallowed in blackness to acknowledge the demon’s presence and emphasise his point before his eyes are green once more, hand clapping Sam’s shoulder gently and then Cas’ in turn before he turns and leaves. “I’m sorry.”

[I'll Be Good](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAZ5aOzwUCM&t=11s)


	3. 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐞 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥.

_He knows what Castiel is asking even before the angel reaches a hand out to his face in question, one hand raising as he leans away from the healing touch. He did have it coming, just another repercussion of his foolish decision to accept Cain’s Mark._

_At least he had held in the aggression to allow the other drunk man more of an even fight, but now that aggression was chewing on his nerves, seeping into many of the hunts they had done over the past weeks. To the point that Cas and Sam kept asking him if he was fine, at least one of them always seeming to be around to keep a careful eye on him. It was annoying at times, but he never commented._

_As long as he kept it and the Mark under control, he was fine. ‘_ **_Keep trying all you want Dean, you know you can’t be contained for long._ ** _‘_

❖ ❖ ❖

He hadn’t expected Cas to find him again so soon, though he hadn’t doubted the two would still try again to persuade him to stay. A sigh escapes him as he sits up, one hand rubbing at his eyes before dropping to his lap as he looks up. “Can’t even give me one night of sleep, eh?”

Moving to the next town as soon as they talked had been a smart idea, but why he instead had stayed in the town for one more night, he wasn't sure. He wasn’t really surprised that the angel had been able to find him, it was a small town after all and Sam knew him well.

“Dean, this idea of yours won’t work.” The hunter’s already on his feet, grabbing a shirt to shuck on as he sighed, shaking his head as he eventually looked back to the angel.

He knows they won’t stop, perhaps he had stubbornly hoped that they would listen. But he already had known they would ignore his silent plea. “It’ll work if you stay away. Don’t you remember last time?”

❖ ❖ ❖

_The angel blade is held by his head as he looks down to the bloodied angel beneath him, one hand clenched in the trench coat even though it’s obvious at this point that Castiel isn’t fighting back, a quiet “Dean” being his only response as the demon crouches over him. But in the end, Dean just manages to make his way to the surface as his demon brings his arm down, the hunter soon burying the knife in the book beside his friend’s head._

_He needed to get out of here. The bunker was the safe place, but not while he lets this thing linger here among them. Any complaint from Cas is unwillingly ignored as the hunter turns to leave, teeth gritted as he let the demon out to speak his warning, hoping against hope that he and Sam would take the advice and let him go._

_He couldn’t bear to hurt anyone else._

❖ ❖ ❖

He grits his teeth at bringing up a reminder of that day, quick to hide the regret behind the stubborn set of his jaw, wincing slightly as he holds the angels gaze for a moment before moving to pack his bag. “Please Cas, go. I’m not safe for anyone to be around.”

He hears the angel protest, pausing in his packing as he let out a soft sigh, shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry Cas.” He doesn’t give the angel a chance to respond, hand wrapping around the familiar bone of the First Blade before he quickly slices his palm and presses it to the sigil hidden by a pillow. 

As the light fades away from the room, he glances to where Cas had been standing, jaw muscles twitching as he swallows before murmuring to the empty room. “I’m sorry..”

[Devils Don't Fly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dr2xf5-RLQI)


	4. 𝐌𝐲 𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐈𝐬 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐈𝐬 𝐍𝐞𝐚𝐫.

_“The more you kill, the better you feel. The less you kill, the less better you feel.”_

Didn’t seem like the Mark’s effects had been turned off by the demon, more and more often he was finding himself inflicting more harm. Sometimes to the right person that deserved it or another monster that had strayed from staying under the radar. Yet, he was finding it happening less and less often when he isn't aware. 

It was rare that Dean found himself waking up to blood on his hands now. More often than not he was the one watching it happen, and at times inflicting it himself. Though rarely to the extent of killing.

❖ ❖ ❖

_“My morality is being judged by Dean Winchester? How many people have suffered and died because they believed in you? How many times have you lied to Sam including oh, by the way, when he was possessed by an angel and you say, uh it’s all for the greater good..” The scribe seems ignorant, or perhaps doesn’t much care as the hunter rolls his sleeves up over his elbows, turning back to him with narrowed eyes as Metatron continues._

_“..but lately, buddy, that greater good thing just went away, didn’t it? Now, people die just because you want them to!” Any further argument he wants to add is cut off with a yell as Dean lunges forward, clenched fist colliding with his jaw before he is soon to straighten himself, only for the scribe to look back to him with a grin.”Good Dean, go darker.” Another punch delivered, the hunter feeling the Mark’s effects rising as his anger comes forward. “Go deeper..”_

_He’s not given anymore chances for a while to speak, a series of punches to his chin and head soon leaving the chained scribe groaning. Though he doesn’t stay quiet for long, the demon quiet as Metatron continues his rant, the punches continuing before the hunter turns away, barely holding back a wince as he speaks._

_“Kevin’s death, all on you..”_

❖ ❖ ❖

So many deaths because of him. So many people he cared for lost or hurt. More and more he was unconsciously finding the demon’s presence taking over comforting. During those times, he surprisingly no longer was left to deal with the regrets of his actions, of his past.

Their mother killed by her own deal, their father dead by a deal to save Dean. For what? For Sam to become the true vessel for Lucifer and never be able to live his own life with the girl he loved. For Dean to become what he hunted. And yet, he was slowly losing his motivation to care.

Perhaps he was losing his human side in his conflict, but it was a welcoming darkness he found himself in, despite his continual struggle to ensure that he at least didn’t kill anyone again who didn’t have it coming.

_‘_ **_I told you we are the same. Just a newer, improved Dean._ ** _‘_

[Sail](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jI59Sfdmjg)

❖ ❖ ❖


End file.
